When you just feel inadequate

“Mommy, play with me.” She says as she grabs my hand and tries with all her might to pull me away from the stove.

It’s time to get dinner started, Paisley is bored and wants me to play with her. I have to start dinner. It’s not going to cook itself. I need to wash the dishes in the sink. I need to finish charting from today’s patient load. I need to put away the clothes from this past weekend. I need to hang the clothes that have been laying in a basket for a few days.

She pulls my hand again and asks me to play with her again. “I can’t,” I tell her, again.

My heart breaks. I feel like crying. My child wants my attention, and I can’t or won’t give it to her because so many other things also need my attention.

This scenario happens all too often around here. It’s been happening more & more frequently as she grows older and is less entertained by her current toys. Her attention span is short; it’s not her fault. She’s not even 3 yet.

Am I doing her a disservice by keeping her home with me? Am I teaching her enough? Is she getting enough engagement? We don’t play with friends nearly as often as we should.

We can’t. I don’t have time. I don’t know that many people here.

Should we send her to school? We can’t afford it. Maybe I should get a regular job that pays more, No, not an option. I don’t want her to go to school yet. I want to stay home with her.

My house is a disaster. I’ll never be able to stay on top of it because I can’t even get ahead of it.

These are all my thoughts; the things that make me feel inadequate. I’m not a good enough Mom. I’m not a good enough employee. I’m not a good enough housekeeper. I’m not a good enough Coach. I’m not a good enough friend.

I honestly never realized how many of these, “I’m not good enough” thoughts I had in my head until just now.

It is hard to feel like you’re good enough when you feel like you’re drowning in the simple day to day life.

They say the days are long & the years are short. I know that’s true, but in the middle of a shit storm, everything feels neverending.

Today is a new day. All I can do is my very best.

Waiting for something, but what?

From my prayer journal this morning,

“It seems that we have been waiting on “What’s next” since we moved to Lakeland. I don’t feel settled here. I don’t know why, I just feel like something is missing. I feel like we are here, but we are waiting on something else – waiting….. I don’t remember feeling this way when we lived in Hernando Beach. Am I waiting on our next adventure/trip? On a new job? On the next move? I’m feeling totally unfulfilled, like there is just something missing from our every day life – but I have no idea what it is.”

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It is hard to wait when you don’t know what you are waiting for – What would I even do to make the waiting stop?

Am I anxious about what is to come in the next 7-9 weeks? Probably. But the feeling of something missing has been going on much longer than just the 8 months I’ve been pregnant. So here I am, waiting. Praying over the wait, reading while I wait, and learning more about our God while I wait.

I love these verses from Psalm 139

“Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous ways in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139:23-24